To Die Twice
by Quicksilver
Summary: Mitsukake must feel simply terrible.... yet again, he has failed to save one close to him simply because he wasn’t there. However, Mitsukake seems to experience a strange joy as well...


Quicksilver's Quill Offers   
To Die Twice   
mbsilvana@yahoo.com  
standard disclaimers  
  
  
  
I've failed again.   
  
I'm so sorry, Nuriko. I'm never around when I'm needed, am I? Just five minutes... If I'd been five minutes earlier, I'd be healing you rather then preparing you for your grave.   
  
I hate this gift of mine. It's absolutely useless, as I can never use it when its needed most. Sometimes I think I must have been a horrible person in a previous life to be cursed by Suzaku so. I watch people die, unable to prevent it from happening. I am a physician, and as such, my worst enemy is death. Some battles I win, but I lose far too many to ever be able to have peaceful dreams.   
  
Most people, if they didn't know, would assume that I'm the one with super strength and you were the healer. You were, in a way. Your gentle laughter and mischivious good humor always did more for us then my ability to heal the body. I admired you, did you know? I saw the pain in your eyes; you must have known sorrow and tragedy as well, but I think you dealt with it better then I did. I think you were always able to cope with whatever obstacles life has thrown your way. Even in death, I can't help but envy you. When I die, I want to be as graceful and as courageous as you. I can see the stone you moved from where I kneel beside you now. Moving that stone was something only you could do. It hurts me to think of the agony it must have caused you to do so.   
  
All I can do for you now is repair your body enough to put you in the ground as beautiful as you were in life. The first time I saw you, I thought you were a girl. I didn't come out and say actually say it, but then I rarely say anything. Why waste words, I wonder? You never seemed to have the problem- given the chance, you would prattle on for hours about the tritest things. It was almost as though you were afraid of the silence for some reason.   
  
The silence has always been my closest ally. When something went wrong, I would retreat into it, hiding my feelings, pretending they didn't exist. Sometimes I would begin to believe that I had suceeded, but my icy facade would come crashing down around me when enough stress was applied.   
  
Like Amiboshi. It's hard for me to think of him as such- I still think of him as the first Chiriko. I can't believe he betrayed us the way he did- I had trusted him, protected him, called him my brother. And he betrayed us.   
  
I was the Seishi who spent the most time with him. Your relationships had already been formed, and I noticed how you, Tamahome, Tasuki and Hotohori seemed to comprise one main group, leaving Chichiri and myself to make a place for ourselves elsewhere. It didn't really matter- I was used to being alone. I had Tama-chan, and that was enough.   
  
But then the last of us was found, and he was boy. His sweet blue eyes hid secrets and knowledge far beyond his years, but we assumed it was because his village had been destroyed. I set myself up to watch over him, and he betrayed me. It hurt almost as badly as Shoka's death, and I walled myself off again.   
  
You were the only one who seemed to be aware of it. I remember how you brought all my barriers crashing back down.   
  
It was on the ship, after Soi attacked. I was standing against the sea, feeling its icy surf splash up against me, wishing my heart was as cold. Every time I let someone in, I got hurt. I was surprised by a playful tap on my shoulder.   
  
I turned around and looked down. I'm used to be taller then most people, but you were short. It was like dealing with the woman you mimed. "Hai?" I asked in a voice that usually discouraged conversation. Most people aren't fond of one-word answers.   
  
You smiled up at me. Your cheeks were flushed from the coolness of the air, and that braid of yours was whipping as violently as our flag. "Mits-chan! How are you today?"   
  
"Fine," I answered, turning my gaze back out to the storm-tossed sea.   
  
"I had a question for you," you asked, and suddenly, your voice was unaccountably serious. You had never sought me out for my opinions before, and I confess that I was a little surprised, though I didn't show it.   
  
"Hai," I said, when it became clear you were waiting for some kind of response from me.   
  
"What does it mean to be happy? Really happy?"   
  
Of all the questions I could have anticipated, that question was probably on the bottom of the list- past the bottom, actually. No one would ever acuse me of being a joyful person.   
  
"Why are you asking me?" I asked after a second.   
  
Your eyes were still somber. "Because you are one who watches and thinks things through. You wouldn't throw an answer off the top of your head," you said.   
  
I nodded. "I don't know what it means to be happy," I said finally.   
  
You sighed and rested your chin in your palm. "I don't either," you said. "I might have known, once, when I had Kourin, but I've long since forgotten."   
  
"What made you think I would know?" I asked. It was the longest conversation we had ever had, and I was strangely reluctant to release the moment and let it pass into memory.   
  
"Because you're so serene," you replied promptly. "And I was hoping you would have some idea."   
  
"Why all of the sudden?"   
  
You sighed and hung your shoulders with weariness. I can recognize now what that came from- you were busy taking care of all of us, but you rarely worried about yourself. You were so selfless. "Because of Chiriko," you told me. "He's only thirteen, and he misses his mother. No matter how smart he is, he's just a kid. You haven't really spent any time with him, so I doubt you noticed." If any of the others had said it, it would have sounded like an accusion, but you said it in a fashion that made it come out as a statement of fact.   
  
"What about the others?" I asked. I didn't want anything to do with the youngest Seishi. The boy who had stolen his name had already done enough damage to me.   
  
"Tamahome is too wrapped up in Miaka, Chichiri is, by most people's standards, insane, and Tasuki has nothing in common with a young scholar- bandit boy can barely read. I try to do what I can, but someone has to make dinner and make sure Tasuki and Tamahome don't kill each other."   
  
Thoughtfully, I wandered off below decks without saying farewell, though it wasn't out of any disrespect. A few hours later I came to the boy's chambers and struck up a friendship. Chiriko -the real one- is a precious child, and I have you to thank for him, Nuriko. Even though I realize how easily you manipulated me.   
  
I remember the last time I saw you alive. We were sitting at the table, arguing about how we should split up. You wanted to go with Miaka, but just then, a man chanced to try to pick you up, thinking you were a woman, as so many did. Tamahome bluntly said that he wasn't going to protect two women, and you responded in a fit of pique, slicing your long braid off at the nape of your neck.   
  
Unlike the others, I realized exactly what you had done. You had finally let go of the person you loved most in the world, and for once, my heart beat in rythym with someone else's. It was like that for me- I had to kill Shoka after she had died to save Miaka, while you did the same to your sister. Releasing the power of Suzako against my beloved had been the hardest thing I had ever done, just as cutting off your braid and saying a final "sayonara" to your sister must have been the most difficult thing you've ever done. That mountain was one you moved with your inner strength.   
  
You were the strongest of us all, and I don't mean just physically.   
  
Of all the Seishi, I had the most in common with you. You were the only one who knew what it was like to die and continue living- me with Shoka, you with Kourin. It's hard being without the other half of your soul.   
  
The others weep for you, knowing that they will miss you fiercely, as will I, but I do not cry out of sorrow. My tears are for a different reason. I weep for joy, for I, better then any of them, know that you will be happy. You will stand with Kourin again, the thing you wanted most in the world.   
  
I would beg a favor of you, though, brother star. See Shoka for me and give her a warm hug, the kind of hugs you were so adept at. Tell her that I love her, and that I will be joining her soon.   
  
Until we meet again, Nuriko. For some reason, instinct tells me it won't be long.   
  
  
END   
And now I know why no one writes Mitsukake... it's hard to get into his head...   
FEEEEEEEEEEEED THE AUTHOR! Review!!!!!  
Next Up: Hotohori 


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